Have I mentioned I like to experiment when I write?
For my final memoir essay, I debated point-of-view changes. I considered using the second person; however, I decided on the third person. I'm glad I did. Of all my workshops, this is the one I remember most vividly. For the only time ever, all my classmates liked the story. Their main critiques were mostly grammar clean-up and possible expansion of a few points. But what stood out was the professor's reaction. I think I really shocked her because she said, "Shawn, you need to get this published. This one should make it." I haven't acted on it partly because I like the idea of it sitting here as a "potential" piece. Except for one minor tweak at the end (in bold), this is the only one of the unpublished pieces I revised after the workshop.
Besides, I'm not sure if it's that good anyway. I'll let you decide.
Before the Stranger stood a hefty oak door. Lightly stained in color, it was closed, separating him from the room that represented both his future and his past. On his side of the door, he was very much in the present, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. He was feeling a nervousness within, nothing that was overwhelming, but it unsettled him enough to notice. He wasn’t accustomed to such feelings of uncertainty. But he made a life decision, and he wasn’t about to let such a fleeting feeling take control. Grasping the dull brass knob that was stained with the oil of thousands of hands like his own, the Stranger opened the door and walked forward into the unknown while stepping back in his memories.
Sitting in a square were around a dozen faces. They glowed in the fluorescent lighting above, projecting their youthfulness that stood in contrast to his bearded face that was washing out with the experiences of his years. He looked into their bright, hopeful eyes, watching the excitement of the unknown future within them all. He thought of his own eyes, brown but lacking the same spark. He slightly smiled as he took in the energy of the room that projected from the chattering voices. He may be older, old enough that he could be a father to his new classmates, but the Stranger didn’t care. He sat down in an empty seat, removing his brown leather hat and opened his canvas backpack, taking out the tools of the trade. As he settled, he closed his eyes for a moment and looked back in time when he had done this very thing nearly twenty years earlier.
***
The Stranger walked into the large auditorium and found a seat near the center aisle that separated the room into halves. Here he was, a few years later in age but many miles apart in beliefs. He was starting his first class in Anthropology, a class that on paper interested him a great deal. However, in looking around the room, he started to have immediate doubts. All around him, these people were very different than he was used to. They weren’t his fellow Airmen or military brothers and sisters. Instead they dressed liked shit, they had fucked up hair styles, and some of them smelled awful. He sat in silent judgment as he sat several rows behind, looking down on all before him. He wondered why in Hell would a person represent themselves in such a manner.
But he knew that he was alone in this island of misfit toys, a stranger to everyone. There was no one like him and none would be arriving to help him with this transition. His internal conflict battled inside him for the moment. He had given up a promising career in the Air Force, a world he knew and loved. He excelled in that life, earning recognition and promotions that were reserved for the best of the best. He was now lost without a compass, left to navigate this new place on his own with no support. Maybe he fucked up.
Shaking his head, the Stranger shook off his doubts and decided the best course of action was to block it all out. He would isolate himself as much as he could physically and mentally from those who shared this space with him. He would camouflage himself and disappear from all, locking on target – focusing all his energy on the classwork and the instructor. No one else would be relevant because no one else would matter. Being a Commuter Student, distancing himself would be easy. Arrive, attend class, leave – Insert, engage, extract. He would maintain complete control and poise while following the plan. His discipline would be unrivaled, especially against these bodies sharing the same room. He would be the lone wolf, free from distractions that relationships would bring.
Nodding his head in agreement with his own thoughts, the Stranger sat up straight and locked in. He was on mission and nothing would stop him from accomplishing that.
***
The next night, another class in another building. This time however, the Stranger didn’t have the initial pause as he did the night before. Instead, he opened the door to this new room and stepped in with his normal confidence. As the door closed behind him, he stood, scanning the room, searching for where he would sit, the lone wolf again who focused only on its quarry. Identifying the right place, he started to step when he heard a voice speak up.
“Well it looks like I’m not the only old person in the class.”
With immediate fury, the Stranger whipped his head in the direction of the voice. His predatory eyes locked in on a woman sitting in the front row of the right column of tables. His reaction was immediate and furious. Eyes forming into narrowed slits of rage, his voice lowered into a confrontational tone and uttered, “I suppose not.”
The woman was older than the rest of the students sitting in the class, but she was not as old as the Stranger himself. She sat at her table in a manner that reminded him of people who play victim for all their failures in life. What was worse is she was exhibiting the one true fear the Stranger had about returning to school. The last thing he wanted was to be thought of, or worse, to be referred to as the annoying non-traditional student by fellow classmates and professors alike. This dread was so strong that leading up to the first day, the Stranger would tell his friends that he planned to sit aside and not speak to anyone unless called upon. He would construct a mental and emotional wall while sending physical signals through attire and body language. He would make no attempts to connect with anyone and he would actively repulse anyone who dared try to foster even the beginning of a relationship. He had no intention of being vocally rude or hostile towards people because that wasn’t the right approach and it wasn’t his way. Rather, he would express complete disinterest in anything or anyone. His plan going in was to run the same lone wolf routine he did all those years ago but now it would be amped up on “get off my lawn” Nebbercracker looks and gestures. Now here this lady was, fucking with him and his plan. In his boiling internal rage, the Stranger identified and would forever refer to this woman as “Her.”
The Stranger stood there for a moment and peacocked. He glared at Her, daring for her to say more. Contrary to his plan coming in, he was prepared to unleash verbal shock and awe on this woman, consequences be damned, to ensure that she would never speak to him again. She dropped her gaze and went to twiddling through her notebook. Satisfied, the Stranger boldly stepped to the seat that he targeted and proceeded to make territorial gestures, claiming the space as his. Once he settled in, he turned his gaze back to Her. She was now engaged in some trivial conversation about the pros and cons of the university. Satisfied, the Stranger sat, a slight, cocky smile forming as he waited for the arrival of the instructor. Yes, he knew without a doubt now that he made the right decision to return and he definitely felt he was right to be stand-offish to others. As he did the night before, he turned his thoughts back in time and began to reflect on his time here before.
***
For two years, the Stranger wandered about in his academic pursuits. He originally arrived majoring in Elementary Education. He had served as a Big Brother while in the service for children whose fathers were deployed. Understanding what deployment was and its impact on families, he thrived in this role. His enjoyment of helping kids combined with his love of learning put in his head that when his service was over, he would want to be an Elementary teacher. “Teach them while they are young and influence them before it’s too late” is what the Stranger would tell people. His passion for it was enormous and everyone who knew him felt it was a good fit.
However, he also had an insatiable appetite for geography and geology. Give him a map and send him looking for rocks, the Stranger would quest for hours and become lost in his own world. This created conflict within him and as with many students, the plan going into college isn’t the result coming out. For a time, the Stranger changed his major to Geography with a minor in Geology. He absorbed it by taking classes such as Groundwater Hydrogeology and Environmental Geography. He hardened his resolve like the granite he was studying, utterly convinced this was why he was here.
But in the end, he realized his love for both was equally strong, so he decided to have the best of both worlds. He finally settled on double majoring in Elementary Education and Geography. Now he could study both of his loves and it would give him more options in what he could do. Satisfied with his decision, the Stranger dug in and went to work. He intended to teach and save as many kids as he could by inspiring them to be good students and become better adults.
There is a proverb that says, “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” The Stranger had every good intention to finish school, earn his degree and help the next generation. However, life had different plans for him. The Stranger stepped away from school and for nearly twenty years, he set aside college to work and raise a family. He struggled at times and prospered at others, eventually establishing a solid career and experiencing many things life had to offer. He watched and participated in a world that changed before his eyes and under his feet. Being a man that viewed life as a series of moments, he lived and wrote those chapters, good and bad, and went through life with no regrets. However, there was that one chapter in his life that was unfinished. As the years passed, a hole grew and gave him a feeling that he couldn’t shake, creating a sense of being in a personal Hell of his own design. He realized that he had to go back to college and finish the unfinished chapter. It took a few years longer, but he finally enrolled and started back up. But now, he was a stranger in a changed land.
***
Now a few months after the first twist and push of the knob on the first door that stood before him, the Stranger walked through new doors leading into the different rooms of his academic future. Now an English major, he felt a spiritual connection with what he really wanted to do with his life in ways that Elementary Education and Geography could never have offered him. He performed well in his classes the previous semester and endured his cold war with Her. But something unexpected happened, something that again took his best laid plans, ripped them to shreds and tossed them up in the air where they scattered like ash in the wind.
Despite his desire to maintain the lone wolf approach to his classes, the Stranger made connections with people and, to his surprise, he even made friends. These new relationships came from all walks of life, from the same kinds of people that he wouldn’t have considered before. But what surprised him the most is these same people took genuine interest in him. Regardless of his obvious differences from them, and there are many, he has been accepted by others, save a few exceptions like Her. Instead of looking down upon him, these people lifted the Stranger up to them. These new friends not only have shown the Stranger how wrong his lone wolf approach was, they have also shown him how to put the past behind him and focus on today and tomorrow.
Some of these new friends are carry-overs from the first semester back, people that the Stranger was excited to see when he entered the new rooms. Friends like College Daughter, a young woman who reminds the Stranger too much of his young adult self, albeit in feminine form. She is a gifted writer and a passionate historian who shares a lot in common with the Stranger, from writing with feather quills to exchanging prose and music. Lady with Cool Hats, someone the Stranger finds inspiration from when writing. He is a huge fan of her work, loves her selection of head accessories, thinks of her as a mentor, and uses her pieces as the standard to improve his personal writing. When she speaks, the Stranger listens. Seinfeld Pal, a person who previously shared the same class with the Stranger and Her. She would snicker at the Stranger’s Seinfeld references and throw in a few herself. The Stranger thinks of her as a funny lady who also is a talented writer and very perceptive when offering critiques. The Stranger is glad to know her and appreciates her ability to enjoy the moment.
Since then, the Stranger has formed additional relationships from all walks of life. He knows all his professors and converses with them on topics beyond the classes he takes. He takes an active approach in getting to know his fellow classmates. He enjoys conversations with his eyes and mind open, setting aside his opinions and beliefs to allow new ideas to grow by hearing their experiences. Unlike before, the Stranger fully embraces his fellow classmates because he learned the hidden damage that divisiveness and isolation causes. In turn, he does his best to offer guidance and wisdom without wanting to take away from their personal explorations.
Once the lone wolf, the Stranger is now part of a pack that he cares for deeply. This group of new friends created a “Coffee Club” with him. What started out as a way to kill an hour between classes has now grown in a group open to all. Through their different backgrounds, they share their experiences to learn from one another about a world bigger than all of them. The pack feeds his mind and soul, having awakened his dormant sense of belonging to something important. Because they matter to him, the Stranger’s life in a changed land is different now.
***
Standing in a cold, February wind, the Stranger ties up his college journal and puts it into a compartment in his backpack. Warming his hands in the pockets of his brown leather jacket, he scans the campus before him. Peering through the bright afternoon sunlight, he takes a moment to reflect on what was and what is. The landscape before him has evolved, a mixture of old buildings from before with the new structures that sprung up since. Standing in the same parking lot that he used all those years before, he reflects on how he used to drive through class as if he were ordering MacDonald’s. Now he savors these moments in class and with his new friends, as if they were dining together at The French Room.
Putting in his headphones and playing “Gimme Shelter” by The Rolling Stones, the Stranger slings the canvas backpack on his shoulders, turns and walks East with playful purpose. He’s on his way to meet his friends and fellow classmates from his “Sex, Race, and Outer Space” diversity class to watch Alien. He is more excited to see their reactions than to watch the movie he has seen at least fifty times. He’s ready for the fun.
Because of generational differences, the Stranger understands that he will never truly fit in with anyone he currently knows or will meet since his return to college. It doesn’t matter to him though. He has a pack and while the members will roam in and out due to their graduations at separate times, he will no longer be the lone wolf he started off as.
Peace has settled over him because that glaring hole in his life is closing since his return. Relief that he is escaping the personal Hell of his creation causes him to smile with ease. It has had a positive influence in his life as a whole. It is returning him to his roots and making him a better man.
When school is finished and the ink dries on the pages of this part of his life, this chapter will finally be complete. It will tell a different story than he expected it to in the beginning but that is what interests him the most. All of this because a writing workshop that occurred behind that hefty oak door forced him to interact with people, people that changed his mind and finally his heart.
With a skip in my step and an enthusiastic thump in my heart, I am now a changed man in a changed land.
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