"A Trail of Quarters," revised for Advanced Fiction Writing.
In performing my revision, I considered several factors. The biggest factor was how much I would completely gut this story in final revisions to tell the story I wanted to tell. In the case of this story, the story wasn't revised as drastically as I have with others, but I still made some dramatic changes overall.
One area in which I made tremendous revisions was the story's opening. I Professor Penkov's suggestion and began the story with the main character waking up inside the cage. This beginning lasts about a page and ends with the protagonist saying the name of the antagonist and calling him a son of a bitch.
The next scene flashes back to the protagonist and his sister running after the sound of the ice cream truck. In the most dramatic part of the revision, everything before that was cut from the story except for the relocation of Megan's description. The rest of the scene has a few minor adjustments but tends to stay true to the original.
Afterward, the remainder of the story is about Jon's time in the factory. Some notable changes are that the children are older and teenagers. Another change is that Megan is removed from the story completely, presumed to have been murdered. This drives Jon forward as he plots his escape and revenge.
A final adjustment is more of the police raid, but it is relegated to the background. However, during the raid, we have a confrontation between Jon and Adelram. Unfortunately, the confrontation doesn't come to pass, but the story leaves it open for continuation.
The bulk of my feedback came from useful workshop commentary from class members, but Professor Penkov is credited with the major starting point.
I will pick this story back up again in a few weeks and see if there are further revisions I wish to make. Otherwise, I feel it is a significant revision worthy of the goals of this assignment and represents my portfolio well.
Bright light pierced through Jon’s eyelids, hastening him awake. He shielded his eyes from the spotlight that shown directly on him, trying to gain his bearing. He rubbed his temples to relieve the throbbing inside his head. As his eyes began to focus, he saw bars surrounding him. It took him a moment to realize that he was locked inside a cage. Terrified, he grabbed the bars and started pulling on them, yelling as loud as he could. He thrashed around violently for a moment until he heard his sister’s voice call out from the darkness to his right.
“We can’t get out. It’s too strong. I tried all morning,” the small voice whispered in the dark.
Jon let go of the bars and looked around. In the gloom, he could tell the room was enormous. Small, dusty windows lined the junction where the walls met the ceiling. The morning sun strained to penetrate the layers of dirt and grime. As Jon’s eyes continued to adjust, he saw there were many cages. They all sat empty, but each had a pillow, a blanket and a small footlocker. Some had stuffed animals or toys, others had books. From the look of them, they all seemed to be recently used but he couldn’t be sure.
“Megan, are we alone,” Jon asked?
“No, there were others in here earlier, all of them children or teenagers. Adelram came in about an hour ago and led them through those large doors.” She pointed to a set of heavy steel doors on the far side of the room. “They went through there.”
Adelram. That son of a bitch was the reason Jon and Megan were in this God-forsaken place.
~
Jon locked in on the sound and took off running to his left. On his footsteps was Megan, her pink backpack bouncing on her back like a rider on an unbroken stallion gone wild. They ran until they reached the end of the street and stopped, kneeling over and panting from their mad dash. Before they could completely recover from running, the sound of music drew their attention. As they looked, they saw an image that they would never forget.
Parked in the Cul-de-sac was the Ice Cream Man, but this wasn’t the one of their youth. In the place of the familiar white truck with the faded red and blue stripes was a new, black truck with glittering bronze letters that read “Adelram’s Delicacies.” This new truck was larger than the old one. It was illuminated with rows of multi-colored lights that changed in cadence with the music. The teens stood mesmerized of this new mobile treasure chest.
Jon and Megan walked towards the truck. They stopped to read the digital menu. There was a large variety of items. Cupcakes, cookies and ice creams like nothing either of them had seen. Some of them had names that were impossible to pronounce. As they watched the menu scroll through the entire list and begin again, Jon was disappointed to see that his beloved Bomb Pop was not available. He ran his fingers through his shaggy brown hair and exhaled a deep sigh to voice his displeasure.
“Do you want anything Megan,” Jon asked?
Megan answered, “How much money do you have?”
With a sly grin, Jon reached into the left pocket of his jeans and pulled out a purple Crown Royal bag which clinked and jingled. He tossed the bag into the air and caught it with ease.
“According to my humble math skills, there is $37.75 in silver inside these velvet confines.” He reached into the bag and pulled out five quarters, showing them to Megan.
Megan stood in disbelief. She asked Jon, “Where did you get those?”
“I went into Mom and Dad’s closet after they left work this morning. I was looking for the box of letters and pictures he has from when Grandpa fought in the war but instead, I found this.”
“Jon, I’m not sure we should spend those. Maybe Dad is saving them for something?”
A deep voice from within the truck spoke, startling them.
“The best money in the world is money spent on something new.”
Jon and Megan turned to see the door next to the order counter open. Billowing white clouds flowed outwards, sending an ominous chill that engulfed them. As the clouds began to disperse, a long leg emerged and dropped to the first step. It was followed by the other, slowly reaching and settling onto the second step. Finally, the two met on the payment and slowly turned and pointed directly at Jon and Megan as a compass needle points to true North. The legs were covered in black leather pants and wore black boots with bronze metal tips on the toes. After a pause, the legs took a few slow, methodical steps. From the cloud emerged a tall, slender man. He stood over six and a half feet tall, nearly a foot taller than Jon and a foot and a half taller than Megan. His long black leather coat rustled in the breeze, revealing bronze buttons that reflected light like a dull star. Under the coat he wore a black shirt and had red and bronze striped suspenders. Atop his head was a black hat ringed in bronze with a short feather. On his forehead were a pair of blackened goggles rimmed in the same bronze. His eyes were nearly black in color, reminding Jon of a great white shark. From under his hat, long, wavy black hair flowed, matched by his beard that hung down to his chest.
Jon and Megan stood in awe of this strange man dressed in steampunk attire. Stammering, Megan asked, “who are you?”
The man removed his hat and took a bow. Rising and placing his hat back on his head, he smiled at the teens, revealing a row of perfect snow-white teeth.
“I am the Ice Cream Man, but you can call me Adelram,” he answered in an unusual accent.
Wiping the strands of her pearl-blonde hair from her face, Megan tried to repeat his name. “A-del-ram,” said Megan slowly.
“Adel-rom,” he answered with an edge in his voice.
“I’m sorry,” said Megan sheepishly, lowering her jade eyes the ground, causing Adelram to smile.
Satisfied, Adelram said, “I recognize that I am not the person you were expecting. Unfortunately, the former ice cream man was forced to retire.” With a widening grin, he asked, “Would you two be interested in trying a very special ice cream from my home country? It is made from the sweetest milk and the purest sugar as well as other secret ingredients. It will be the best ice cream you have ever had.”
Overcome by a sudden chill he mistook for the wind, Jon began to feel anxious with suspicion towards Adelram. His foot began to tap with the nervous energy of a jackhammer. He blurted out, “That’s ok sir. I think we’re going to head back home. To be honest, all I really wanted was a Bomb Pop.”
Noting the boy’s anxiousness, Adelram swiftly reached over the counter of the truck and gracefully pulled his hands back to reveal two small cones, each with a small scoop of ice cream on top. He handed the cones to Jon and Megan who looked at the ice cream with childish curiosity. It was a bright greenish-yellow in color but seemed to glow, as if there were the lights of fireflies dancing within. As the light began to reflect in their eyes, Jon and Megan raised the cones towards their mouth to taste the ice cream. Before they could, Adelman stopped them.
“Please excuse my manners,” he said. “I almost forgot the most important part. A special treat such as this deserves special ambience.” He lowered the goggles over his eyes and pulled a controller from his coat pocket. He pushed a red button, shuffling a new song to play. It was a deep, melodic song that was hypnotically exotic. The lights on the truck brightened in neon colors and danced to the song, bathing the children in cheerful brightness. All the while, Adelram stood still, silent like a predator watching his prey.
Jon and Megan fell into a trance, ice cream smeared across their mouths. Their pupils dilated, filling their minds with visions of singing and dancing. Their eyelids grew heavy, closing slowly. As the song deepened in their ears, Megan collapsed at Jon’s feet, causing him to step back. He then began to drift off into the darkness, his blue eyes locked onto Adelram. The last thing Jon saw was Adelram’s smile widening with sharp teeth. As he fell, the five quarters lightly fell from Jon’s hand and rolled onto the street.
~
Jon shifted in his cage, trying to find a comfortable spot. While it was tall enough for him to stand, it wasn’t much wider than he was tall. The ground was concrete, and his thin blanket wasn’t making it any more comfortable. As he shifted his weight, he heard the quarters clink in his pocket. He reached in and felt the Corona bag was still there. Adelram hadn’t taken them but he was certain if he found out, Jon would lose them. He quickly removed the purple bag and laid it as flat as he could. He slid the bag underneath the footlocker as far as he could safely place it without having to worry that he could not retrieve them again. Once he secured the quarters, he began to search the room, looking for ways to escape. Before he could get too involved into the planning of escape, Jon’s thoughts were interrupted.
The double doors flung open, flooding the room in red light. A tall figure entered, filling the opening and forming an eclipse that blocked the light. It was Adelram.
“Good morning! Time to go to work,” he yelled from the doorway. “By the way, welcome to your new home. You’ll love it here!”
Adelram strode to Jon’s cage, supported by a large cane. It was topped by a head of a figure that looked like Adelram himself. The head was wearing the same hat and goggles.
“I will explain the rules very simply. You will be given a job. You will do your job. You will not speak to anyone while doing your job. You will take breaks when you are told. You will eat when you are told. Once a day you will go outside for 30 minutes. You will not speak to anyone on the other side of the fence. You will do everything I say.”
Jon pulled himself up to the bars and grabbed them. He pulled his face between the gap and looked Adelram in the eyes. Despite feeling terror, Jon defiantly said, “Fuck you, A-del-ram.”
Adelram’s smile disappeared as he glared at Jon. With a quick flick of his wrist, he twisted the top from his came and pulled a long blade from within. He struck Jon across the cheek with a quick strike, creating a shallow but painful cut across the cheek. Jon staggered backwards and fell, covering the cut with his hand as sticky, hot red flowed over.
Adelram placed the blade back inside the cane and locked it in place. He dusted the sleeves of his coat, adjusted his hat and peered into Jon’s cage. In a slow voice he said, “So you want to play the hero? Let’s see how heroic you are now.”
With incredible speed, Adelram moved over to Megan’s cage. In the blink of an eye, the cage was unlocked. Adelram grabbed Megan from the cage and drug her across the floor to Jon’s cage. Covered in dirt and crying, Megan pleaded to her brother for help.
“Yes, Jon, help her. Your sister is hurt and needs your protection,” Adelram taunted.
“You bastard,” screamed Jon. “If you want to beat on someone, let me out of this cage and let’s see what you can do, you skinny fuck!”
Laughing, Adelram said, “Such brave words from a position without power. And power is something you are going to learn about, boy.” Tightening his grip on Megan’s wrist, Adelram drug Megan through the doors and disappeared. It was the last time Jon saw his sister.
~
For the next two weeks, Adelram kept Jon in isolation. He used various techniques to torture Jon such as sleep deprivation and barely giving him enough food to eat. All the time, he would stop by Jon’s cell and taunt him. It was Adelram’s intention to break Jon. Break him and make him a slave. If that didn’t work, Adelram would kill him.
But Jon was not having any part of Adelram’s game. He kept himself busy mentally so that he would not give into despair. He couldn’t let what happened to Megan go unpunished. During those two weeks, Jon found something deep within himself. He planned.
After the two weeks, Jon was released from his solitary confinement. Adelram took him into a locker room and told him to change into his work attire. He changed from the clothes he had worn since his abduction into a bright yellow jumpsuit. The back of the jumpsuit read “Youth Detention.” After he was changed, he sat on the bench and waited for Adelram to reappear.
“As you guessed by now, Adelram said, “there is no where for you to go. There is no escape. The best thing you can do is perform. Do what is asked of you and you’ll survive. Break the rules and you’ll end up like your sister.”
Adelram led Jon into another room that was a factory floor. There were over a hundred other children working in the factory, ranging from ages 5 to 17. In the scaffold overhead were a dozen guards, each carrying canes like Adelram’s.
“Welcome to the floor,” Adelram said. “As you can see, I make the treats that I carry in my truck. Most of them are relatively harmless; they just encourage consumers to spend more money than they otherwise would. However, in times of worker shortage, I have to recruit new employees.”
“You mean kidnap,” Jon corrected.
Adelram unveiled a large smile, revealing those sharp teeth. They reminded Jon of a shark, just like Adelram’s dead eyes did before.
“Semantics, boy.”
Adelram led Jon to a station that had a large bowl and an automated mixer. He reached into his coat and pulled out a book, opening it to a specific page and handed it to Jon. Handwritten on the page was the name “Mystical Lights.” It was a recipe, specifically an ice cream recipe.
Jon asked, “Is this the shit you gave Megan and I?"
Nodding, Adelram said, “Yes, it is. Now you are going to be the one making it. You will be my apprentice and you will be directly responsible for helping me recruit new employees. Take care to not tamper with the recipe though. The last apprentice that did ended up in there.” He pointed with his cane to a row of industrial ovens.
Jon took the book from Adelram. Looking up, he said, “Don’t worry, A-del-ram. When I kill you, it won’t be because I tampered with your stupid recipe.”
~
As the days went by, Jon kept his head down and did his work to avoid attention as much as possible. As he worked, he began working on his plan to escape.
Jon was a lacrosse player in high school. Being athletic, he had decided that he wanted to join the Navy after graduation. His dream was to become a SEAL. Day after day, Jon had trained himself the best he could in preparation. He worked out as much as he could. He studied. He took notes and observed his surroundings. He was aware of where he was at all times.
His favorite hobby though was escape rooms. And this was the biggest, most challenging escape room of all time. For the past three weeks, Jon was exploiting a gap in the fence where he and the rest of the captured children went for exercise. He would run laps around the yard, head down as to not attract any attention beyond what was out of the ordinary. As he would run past the fence, he would discretely toss a quarter through.
Ordinarily, a few quarters scattered alongside a fence wouldn’t amount for much attention. But these weren’t just any quarters. These were 1976 Bicentennial quarters that Jon and Megan’s father had been saving for over forty years. These quarters were what led the police to raid the compound in the early morning hours on Saturday, April 22.
Jon was just beginning to start the mixing equipment when he was surprised by the sound of sirens and the flashing of red and blue lights through the factory windows. As the guards began yelling orders for the kidnapped children to return to their cages, there was a loud crashing noise on the far side of the building. The SWAT team had breached their way into the factory and were sweeping forward, looking to find Jon and whomever else may be in this place. Jon considered returning to the cages but before he could move, he saw Adelram standing outside his office on the second level. He was yelling orders to his guards, instructing them to kill every member of the SWAT team as well as any of the children who tried to resist or escape. It was during this time his eyes met Jon’s.
Jon reached over and grabbed a broom that was next to him and snapped off the brush. He took the handle and sprinted towards the nearest staircase where he would make his way to Adelram and kill him.
As Jon ran to the staircase, there was a loud explosion that shook the building. The force of the concussion knocked him over as billowing smoke filled the room.
Jon rose to his feet and was about to resume to the stairs in pursuit of Adelram when he heard the PA system crackle and heard the voice that he would never forget nor forgive.
“Very clever, boy. I don’t know how you did it, but you found a way to do something that no one has before: To beat me in a game of life or death.”
Jon yelled up to the ceiling to answer the voice in the smoky room. Amid the backdrop of semiautomatic and automatic rifle fire, Jon yelled, “Adelram, where are you? This isn’t over between us!”
Coughing, Jon dropped to his knees. He was on the verge of passing out when he heard the voice one last time.
“No, boy, this isn’t over between us. In fact, we are just beginning. To make sure of it, I’ll leave you with this parting gift.”
A loud crackle snapped across the PA system followed by the whine of feedback. A soft voice then spoke.
“Jon? Are you there Jon? Please help me! Please come find me!”
Jon’s heart began to beat harder that it had in his entire life. He just heard the voice of his sister who was alive. Enraged, Jon started to run up the staircase. As he took three bounding steps up, the structure gave way and sent Jon falling. As he hit the ground, he lost consciousness.
~
A line of children stood outside the smoldering factory. These children, all abducted by Adelram himself, were the victims of child slave labor. After kidnapping these children, Adelram forced them to make items for his covens under the constant threat of death. The covens used these items to make themselves rich where they bought themselves positions of power and influence in their communities. The ongoing investigation currently has broken up covens across fourteen other cities with many others expected.
Unfortunately, Adelram was nowhere to be found. During the raid on the factory, he escaped with Megan and simply vanished. When the detectives entered the small office inside the building, they found his large journal. The leather covers were cracked, the pages yellowed from an unknown number of years. Inside the journal were recipes for the various treats he used to manipulate and kidnap, including “Mystical Lights”, the same ice cream that Jon and Megan had eaten before their abduction.
Recipes weren’t the only thing in the journal though. Inside the pages were lists of names dating back to the 1600s. As the authorities went through the list, every name that was confirmed turned out to be of a missing child. The unverified names were presumed abducted as well. Next to the names were a variety of symbols, mostly corresponding to the jobs they worked. Most names also had a red x, signifying that child had died. Only the last one hundred and twenty-seven names in the list didn’t have the red x. Those names were the children rescued in the raid on Adelram’s factory.
But the last name on the list had a different kind of mark. The mark was a flower, a Lotus corniculatus, better known as bird’s-foot trefoil. Jon knew what this mark was because the same mark with a description was in the recipe book that Adelram had given him.
The symbol meant revenge and it was drawn in blood next to the name of Jon.
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